Ranting...

Been a minute since I posted something here. I started working, and life just got away from me. I enjoy my job, I really do. But I miss my life. I have been a stay at home mom for such a long time, this is such a big change for me, and my family. It seems like chaos reigns supreme around here. My 11 year old is having some separation anxieties as its summer and she doesn't have school to occupy her mind. I miss being there for her. It also plays hell on my sanity. I realize slowly that I so am not the super mom I thought I was. The dishes seem to linger in the sink longer, the laundry piles seem to get higher, and the baskets take longer to be put away. Everything slips I feel like my web is unraveling and eventually my world will fall apart.


I miss being creative, sitting down and being able to just make something from nothing. I miss writing, while I have been editing a book, the process feels more stressful than before. My characters are grumpy, and my stress begins to affect how they interact with one another. Not to mention, I am so stalled on this one. THe book is complete, in that it has a beginning and an end, however it is short, and not fleshy enough for me. I am also changing tense and POV. Its a very big job, and there is a step that needs to be taken a bridge to a gap that i cant seem to build. My characters are angry with one another, for no reason. Its a very fragile beginning to their "relationship" that I fear any misstep will cause this story to fall.


Most of all, I miss my freedom. I know that I sound quite spoiled, even to myself. I am always seeking a way to make it without being tethered to a job. In this I feel like i have given in too easily. I have let my fear of failure affect my choices. Hell, I have let past unsuccessful ventures shape my future. I see what I have done, I see that I am the one who has put me here. My mind screams at me as I sit all day, at a desk, its inactivity stagnating any creativity I thought I had. I am stifled, like a flame with no oxygen. I am part of the flock, traded my black coat in for a white one, waiting for the day the man comes to take my pristine coat. BAAHAHAHAHA!